Intentionally seeking good memories…
“Good memories are our second chance at happiness.”
— Queen Elizabeth II
Lately, I have been looking back through old pictures of especially good moments in my life and trying to relive the happy and/or funny moment captured in the photos. Truth be told, it feels somewhat meditative to take my mind and heart back to a still-moment, captured in flash of a film. I believe that when anyone does this, most will find themselves smiling and likely “re-feeling” that moment of happiness, laughter, or both, indeed for a second time.
It’s quite powerful and dare I say, deeply healing.
This photo is by far one of my all-time favorite childhood memories. That’s me on the left, clinging to my Mother, as per usual, like a little kangaroo. My Father and sister are on the right. This particular picture was taken in 1979, during my sister’s and my joint birthday celebration, which we did from my birth (since our birthdays are just four days (and four years) apart). While we had no way of knowing at the time, it would be our last birthday celebration in Cuba. Just one year later, we would leave on the 1980 Mariel Boatlift, with nothing but the clothes on our back.
So you may be asking yourself, why is this photo such a good memory for me?
I will tell you....
For me, the memory of this photo represents all the love of my early childhood days in Cuba. The deepest part of my heart will always be tethered to those first few years of my life, in my home-country. From my vantage point at the time, my childhood life in Cuba was immensely simple, comfortable, predictable, and filled with wonderful people (and pets!), much love, joyous farm-living, and delicious food! I loved every minute of it!
But my Mother had much longer vision and knew that the suffocating grip that Cuba’s dictator had on the people of Cuba would only exponentially tighten and her ability to shelter us from that (as she had successfully done) was quickly lessening.
So we had to leave.
And while the years that followed were far less simple for us, they have been filled with many, many (and counting!) wonderfully amazing moments. One day I will share the full story (Aunt Sandy, I promise I will write that novel!), but for now, I’d like to focus on the subject at hand: intentionally seeking good memories.
Intentionally being the key word.
All of us, no matter our past or present circumstance, have at least one good memory. Most of us have many. And yet, because the past is so often seen as something “to be left behind and forgotten”, so too go the good things that happened, that can in fact, help us in the present. So what we’re discussing here is about taking a pause and intentionally going back in time, to just the happiest moments of our lives.
But first, to help us truly tune-in and also learn a bit, we offer some external context about deliberately remembering.
In a recent article by the Harvard Gazette, they share great insights by a neurologist and a neuroscientist about what exactly happens when we remember and when we forget. They begin by demystifying “memory” and reminding us (no pun intended) that memory is very much an active and effortful process. Dr. Kensinger notes, “every time that we’re bringing a past event to mind, we have to use effort to rebuild that memory”...she goes on to add that there are reasons why we remember (e.g. a song we may enjoy, etc.) because those feelings or thoughts allowed that content to get into our memory. But again, it takes effort for us to recall that good memory and bring it forward. Like most good things in life, we have to do the work.
For cancer patients, it is often quite hard to remember the good. Cancer does not believe in joy.
Instead, it prefers to constantly remind us of the bad...of what we may have lost (e.g. our health, our hair, our fun, our sense of independence, our quality of life....). So it’s up to us to intentionally remember and recreate good memories that bring joy into our journey. It’s hard. Really hard. But, if you set out to intentionally do it, you absolutely can.
As always, I share a bit of my own perspective with the intention that it will be helpful to you. Here are a few simple things I recently did that helped me relive some good memories and brought me joy.
Photos of a lifetime: When my Mother went to be with the Lord, just a few months ago, my sister and I gathered old photos that we wanted to share during the ceremony for our Mother. I then created an electronic folder with all the photos we gathered and about a month after the services, I began looking through them by myself. At first, all I could do was cry. I was (and still am) deeply grieving my Mother. I miss her more than any words can describe. But the more I went back and looked through the photos, the more I began to feel the moment the photo had captured. Delving beyond the image itself helped me recall much more than just the moment. It took me back to the moment and allowed me to relive it...sometimes remembering more details than I would have thought possible. It felt like a scene from a film where the photos come alive, and the past becomes the present.
2. Sights, Sounds and Smells: Going back through the photos and really spending time with each (intentionally), started to help me recall the environment surrounding the moment. I started to not just “see” the people in the photos, but to also remember exactly what was happening in the moment or what had just happened seconds prior to the picture being snapped...whether it had taken a while to get everyone in the frame, or whether my Father was saying “Tíra!, Tíra!”, (which means “shoot” in Spanish), which he always said, anytime someone was going to take a photo. For the pictures that were in black and white (which were most of the photos in Cuba), I started to recall the color of the clothes we were wearing, and other things in the background. The scent of my Mother’s perfume suddenly drifted through my senses. The sounds from our farm in the background. Even the sound of my own voice at the time. The experience was truly transportive. And instead of crying, I started to feel the happiness of that moment....for which I am deeply grateful.
3. Oldies but goodies: After looking through some of the photos I also started to recall old television programs we would watch (some in Spanish; some in English) and for the ones I could find online, I started to watch them again. As I did, I found myself recalling a particular line or scene from the show that my Mother especially liked or that we would all repeat often around the house. Looking at the shows through this lens was relatively new ground for me. I had an intentionality when viewing, that went beyond just enjoying the program. I now realize it is yet another great tool to help bring back joy we once felt, for a second time.
Key Takeaways
And so, as always, I leave you with one key take away, go back in time, and deliberately find at least ONE good memory. Once there, bring some of that joy into the present...it will take you well into the future...it’s HEALING!
With love,
Amelia O.
